You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
