Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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