just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
