yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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