when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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