how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
