o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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