I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
