Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
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Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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