hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
