Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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