there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
