he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
