i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
