true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
