My sheets look like a crime scene.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
