so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
