You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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