and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
