I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
