I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
