I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
