Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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