her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
