This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
