I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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