this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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