what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
