i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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