So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
