His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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