I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
