I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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