The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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