Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
