Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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