Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
