Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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