Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
