He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
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Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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