remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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