I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
