Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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