the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
