I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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