margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
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He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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