Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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