Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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