glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
