WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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