When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
