he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
