I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
