I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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