mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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