There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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