the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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