I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
