i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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