I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
