I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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