Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
