he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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