This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
