You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
